i thought i wanted to wean him.
i did a little research. i prayed a lot. i talked to other mamas and read what some had to say. basically, to make a long story short, i decided to back off and let him do whatever he needs to do. here's why.
1. he has allergy issues.
2. the older he gets, the more concentrated the nutrition in my milk gets.
3. we both caught a cold within a day of eachother; he was over it in less than 3 days and i'm going on day 5 of miserableness.
4. while i was really sick, getting up to prepare food left me feeling dizzy and lightheaded. thankfully, i keep a fully stocked milkbar 24/7, how convenient!
5. soothing a wakeful toddler at 2 a.m. can be done at the simple flick of a nip.
6. i'd rather he be attached to a human being than a physical object
7. why buy the cows milk when i can get the mama milk for free?
8. i'm an introvert. offering him the breast allows me the downtime that i need to keep from going mentally off my rocker. i latch him on and then retreat into my own mind for a little while.
9. bedtime fussiness is minimized.
10. it makes him happier and healthier.
i read something today about the women of East Bhutan, one of the least developed areas in the WORLD...."The mothers told (the interviewer) that open-ended, child-led weaning is by far the preference in East Bhutan, and there is no upper limit of age (even twelve is fine). The mothers prize human milk as best for the child, a life-giving and wholly positive substance, and something which rightly belongs to the child; mothers express "an obligation, and a wish, to breastfeed 'as long as possible.'" (Adventures in Tandem Nursing, P 12)
I dont think i'd nurse a 12 yr old. I think I would have to draw the line at the 5-7 year timeframe, where children transition from babies to children, but I would consider pumping and keeping a pitcher of it for human consumption. It is, after all, human milk intended for consumption by human beings. But something tells me I'd never be able to pump just that much. However, I do draw the line at having a person hanging off of my breast at 5-7 years (depending on the child).
I think the things I want to achieve from nursing are being able to sleep at night, and not having a toddler with a serious case of nursing crazies. But weaning doesn't necessarily equate sleeping at night, and knowing my little wakeful one, would actually probably lead to the opposite. And the nursing crazies are just a boundary issue. So I'm working on that. Also, I do sometimes feel oppressed by having a small child on me at all times, trapped, couch bound, and prevented from doing the things that are required to keep this family running, but I need to remember to employ my babywearing devices for such times. So really, the problem is not with my boob-addicted toddler (terms used loosely, i assure you), but with my approach to toddler nursing.
Also, apparently the shift from nursing 6x a day to nursing eleventy thousand times a day is totally normal. And i'm noticing just how much he truly does still need me....so, not that we're tta, but i'm prayerfully considering our ttc journey.
Mama J proudly accepts her new title of "Dirty Hippie" - thank you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Mid-Year Resolutions
I've been praying a lot. Somewhere between losing Maren, and losing Spike, I began to feel lost myself. So I began to ask God daily to show me what's next. The answer, of course, was under my nose all along: motherhood. I've been considering prayerfully with each day what that job title means to me, what it means to Him. I've come out with a lot of answers, many of which likely wont make it into this particular blog entry, and was especially stricken by the following paragraph, taken from an entry in the archives of mommylife.net which was posted on my wall by a woman i am truly honored to have met (amazing how God works in our lives)
"The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.
It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting...And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible."
article goes on to mention a "wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents." and says "We need to remind parents of Jesus' servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. "
Amen mama! just reading that lifted so much off my shoulders in a world where i'm made to feel like i SHOULD have other priorities, and that i NEED time away from my son to do things for myself....all of the sudden my desire to just be with my son was completely validated. In the depths of depression, having not left my house for days upon days, I prayed to the Lord to take the pain away and lead me to a life of fulfillment, and the message I received in return was that family is fulfillment. Not money, not stuff, not a big house or a pretty car or a pedicure or french tips, not purple hair, not cable tv, not karaoke night, but family. Family is where its at. I shared this revelation with David and told him how I felt - that these extraneous activities were not fulfilling and that many of them in fact were a distraction from what was truly important, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would find the same fire in his heart. He, to my surprise, instantly agreed. I silently praised God!! We decided to make a concerted effort to be much more family oriented and less self-oriented. I must say, things have been so wonderful since that decision was made. Its led to a nice list of changes, call them mid-year resolutions, if you will. I'll post the initial list here and then move it over to the side and edit it as needed. Keeping a running list of things helps me to keep my focus where it belongs!
1. change churches
2. work out every day - time permitting
3. new daily routine - chores in the morning, fun/educational activities in the afternoons, homemade dinner, bedtime at 7
4. gently encourage H toward a life without, or at least with less, nursies (with a preliminary goal of weaning him next spring)
5. ttc #2 (#6?)
6. get some goats!
7. lower the grocery budget
8. eat healthier
yes these are things that really are important to me. society is trying really damn hard to make me want other things, but what's important to me is my family and the making of this home. thus, i'm embracing my still-somewhat-new role of mother, setting healthy boundaries, making the grown up decisions, and staking a claim on the title of Homemaker. That's what I do. It's my job, it's my heart, it's my life.
I've also had a few serious talks with my husband - as well as the "fulfillment" conversation, I've discussed the idea that the intimate friendships of childhood are replaced by the emotionally intimate relationship of marriage - that one has taken him some time to wrap his head around, but i took it as a good sign when he and i sat on the couch with the baby's magnadoodle toy and played an impromptu game of pictionary. I've forced him to admit that he doesn't do much around the house, and given him permission to not do much around the house, because he works so much, as long as he's willing to just admit that he doesn't do as much as he tries to claim doing. I'm working on introducing him to the concept of assigning positive intent, and I've gotten him to acknowledge that he has trouble shifting from work mode to home mode. He can't treat me like his employee and he has to learn when to take the backseat and stop barking out orders. He's not home much, and he really DOESN'T know what's going on around here most of the time, and he shouldn't feel like he has to manage at work and at home. He has to let me take the reins at home, cause that's what I'm here for. He's working on it, I can tell, and he relates to me now more as his friend than as the terrible lady he has to live with. I'm so grateful I could cry. I've begged him on my knees to just go back to being my best friend again. We're getting there. Praise the Lord!
"The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.
It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting...And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible."
article goes on to mention a "wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents." and says "We need to remind parents of Jesus' servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. "
Amen mama! just reading that lifted so much off my shoulders in a world where i'm made to feel like i SHOULD have other priorities, and that i NEED time away from my son to do things for myself....all of the sudden my desire to just be with my son was completely validated. In the depths of depression, having not left my house for days upon days, I prayed to the Lord to take the pain away and lead me to a life of fulfillment, and the message I received in return was that family is fulfillment. Not money, not stuff, not a big house or a pretty car or a pedicure or french tips, not purple hair, not cable tv, not karaoke night, but family. Family is where its at. I shared this revelation with David and told him how I felt - that these extraneous activities were not fulfilling and that many of them in fact were a distraction from what was truly important, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would find the same fire in his heart. He, to my surprise, instantly agreed. I silently praised God!! We decided to make a concerted effort to be much more family oriented and less self-oriented. I must say, things have been so wonderful since that decision was made. Its led to a nice list of changes, call them mid-year resolutions, if you will. I'll post the initial list here and then move it over to the side and edit it as needed. Keeping a running list of things helps me to keep my focus where it belongs!
1. change churches
2. work out every day - time permitting
3. new daily routine - chores in the morning, fun/educational activities in the afternoons, homemade dinner, bedtime at 7
4. gently encourage H toward a life without, or at least with less, nursies (with a preliminary goal of weaning him next spring)
5. ttc #2 (#6?)
6. get some goats!
7. lower the grocery budget
8. eat healthier
yes these are things that really are important to me. society is trying really damn hard to make me want other things, but what's important to me is my family and the making of this home. thus, i'm embracing my still-somewhat-new role of mother, setting healthy boundaries, making the grown up decisions, and staking a claim on the title of Homemaker. That's what I do. It's my job, it's my heart, it's my life.
I've also had a few serious talks with my husband - as well as the "fulfillment" conversation, I've discussed the idea that the intimate friendships of childhood are replaced by the emotionally intimate relationship of marriage - that one has taken him some time to wrap his head around, but i took it as a good sign when he and i sat on the couch with the baby's magnadoodle toy and played an impromptu game of pictionary. I've forced him to admit that he doesn't do much around the house, and given him permission to not do much around the house, because he works so much, as long as he's willing to just admit that he doesn't do as much as he tries to claim doing. I'm working on introducing him to the concept of assigning positive intent, and I've gotten him to acknowledge that he has trouble shifting from work mode to home mode. He can't treat me like his employee and he has to learn when to take the backseat and stop barking out orders. He's not home much, and he really DOESN'T know what's going on around here most of the time, and he shouldn't feel like he has to manage at work and at home. He has to let me take the reins at home, cause that's what I'm here for. He's working on it, I can tell, and he relates to me now more as his friend than as the terrible lady he has to live with. I'm so grateful I could cry. I've begged him on my knees to just go back to being my best friend again. We're getting there. Praise the Lord!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
what's your talent, what's your skill...
i've been feeling rather down on myself tonight.
watching the people i grew up with going around doing things with their lives, and struggling with what i have - or haven't - done. a lot of the reason why i dont excel at anything in particular is anxiety-related. the obsessive-compulsive pattern will bite u in the ass there i guess.
i dont know, i just had this moment where i was like "Shit, the only thing i really do is grow people." and then i was like "...and i'm really not even very successful at that."
and my heart broke a thousand times more.
so in order to help keep me from obsessing over the negative, i decided to make a list of things i AM good at
1. drinking a lot of vodka (or everclear) <--- i may be less skilled at this feat recently considering my lack of opportunities to, erm, practice
2. shopping
3. making lists
4. relating to others (theory of mind?)
5. forgiving
6. honesty
7. bluntness
8. analogies
9. trivia
10. dry sarcasm
11. morbid humor
12. fatalism
13. psychology (specifically, psychology of development)
14. making up recipes on the fly
15. breastfeeding (hey, i must be really good at it if my half-grown man-child is still going full throttle, right?)
maybe i'll think of more.
watching the people i grew up with going around doing things with their lives, and struggling with what i have - or haven't - done. a lot of the reason why i dont excel at anything in particular is anxiety-related. the obsessive-compulsive pattern will bite u in the ass there i guess.
i dont know, i just had this moment where i was like "Shit, the only thing i really do is grow people." and then i was like "...and i'm really not even very successful at that."
and my heart broke a thousand times more.
so in order to help keep me from obsessing over the negative, i decided to make a list of things i AM good at
1. drinking a lot of vodka (or everclear) <--- i may be less skilled at this feat recently considering my lack of opportunities to, erm, practice
2. shopping
3. making lists
4. relating to others (theory of mind?)
5. forgiving
6. honesty
7. bluntness
8. analogies
9. trivia
10. dry sarcasm
11. morbid humor
12. fatalism
13. psychology (specifically, psychology of development)
14. making up recipes on the fly
15. breastfeeding (hey, i must be really good at it if my half-grown man-child is still going full throttle, right?)
maybe i'll think of more.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
JSD
J-dawg died. was he on something? probably. he drove across several lanes, flipped his truck, took out some trees. will he be missed? sorely. He had this most amazing way with people, like he never met a stranger, but beyond that - not just were strangers more like acquaintances or friends....they were more like family. he was so WARM. his divorce left a huge hole in him, he spent years trying to fill it, and just days before his wreck he came to my brother in law crying and prayed for God to take that pain and addiction from him. my brother in law got down on his knees and prayed with him. his last status update on facebook said "Good friday to all,stand tall head up chest out spread the love" and that's exactly how he approached life - spreading the love to everyone he met. he always had a smile on his face and something warm to say. when i sat in that sanctuary today, too preoccupied with my own reflections on life and death to be paying attention to the service, i felt J-dawg's arms wrapped around my soul. not physically but perhaps metaphysically. "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body" - CS Lewis. J-dawg wrapped his bare, tan arms around my soul and said, "It'll be alright, girl. It'll be alright." He's better now. Of this i'm sure.
addiction makes me mad and then i'm pissed off at society all over again. we are so ready to cast off those who struggle with addictions as somehow less-than, but who are we?? we are not perfect. everyone has their vices. we are all people. we are all souls. addiction is a medical problem like any other. addiction does not make a person, and people are SO much more than their vices.
Lord, please be with me in the next few days. I need your guidance so much right now. and please be with my husband and help him through his grieving process.
My husband has never lost someone close to him before. On our way home he told me this story: "You know when you're little and you always want to hang out with your brothers, but they wont let you, because they're your brothers. You always want to ride their bikes but they never let you 'cause you're little. J**** always let me ride his."
my heart broke for my husband in that moment. J-dawg was like his brother. J-dawg was a constant around my mother-in-law's house, he was there even when my brothers-in-law weren't for being in jail, J-dawg would show up and just hang out with my mother-in-law. He was a part of our family. I remember the first time i met him, i was in middle school, and he showed up at my mother-in-law's house and said "Is Bruce here?" my husband said nope, he's in Austin with Sarah. J-dawg said "Is Brian here?" my husband said nope, he ain't here either. but did J-dawg leave? no....he just came on in and joined the family in whatever we were doing. which was probably a whole bunch of nothing, but that's ok. he was down with it. he really was a part of the family.
my mother-in-law has always had this great unspoken open-door policy, where any of the kids, friends, friends kids, kids friends, could show up any time and as long as they weren't starting any trouble, they were welcome, even if no one was home. On the one hand, I've always worried about unhealthy boundaries,but on the other hand, it led to a lot of really great extended-family.
We're hoping to extend our family soon.
As we venture forth over the upcoming days, weeks, and months, I pray that we'll remember to just keep praying and stay focused.
it's so late. i have no focus.
sleep now. focus later.
addiction makes me mad and then i'm pissed off at society all over again. we are so ready to cast off those who struggle with addictions as somehow less-than, but who are we?? we are not perfect. everyone has their vices. we are all people. we are all souls. addiction is a medical problem like any other. addiction does not make a person, and people are SO much more than their vices.
Lord, please be with me in the next few days. I need your guidance so much right now. and please be with my husband and help him through his grieving process.
My husband has never lost someone close to him before. On our way home he told me this story: "You know when you're little and you always want to hang out with your brothers, but they wont let you, because they're your brothers. You always want to ride their bikes but they never let you 'cause you're little. J**** always let me ride his."
my heart broke for my husband in that moment. J-dawg was like his brother. J-dawg was a constant around my mother-in-law's house, he was there even when my brothers-in-law weren't for being in jail, J-dawg would show up and just hang out with my mother-in-law. He was a part of our family. I remember the first time i met him, i was in middle school, and he showed up at my mother-in-law's house and said "Is Bruce here?" my husband said nope, he's in Austin with Sarah. J-dawg said "Is Brian here?" my husband said nope, he ain't here either. but did J-dawg leave? no....he just came on in and joined the family in whatever we were doing. which was probably a whole bunch of nothing, but that's ok. he was down with it. he really was a part of the family.
my mother-in-law has always had this great unspoken open-door policy, where any of the kids, friends, friends kids, kids friends, could show up any time and as long as they weren't starting any trouble, they were welcome, even if no one was home. On the one hand, I've always worried about unhealthy boundaries,but on the other hand, it led to a lot of really great extended-family.
We're hoping to extend our family soon.
As we venture forth over the upcoming days, weeks, and months, I pray that we'll remember to just keep praying and stay focused.
it's so late. i have no focus.
sleep now. focus later.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Available at a toy store near you!
The all new action-packed Hurricane Hollis - check out his awesome stunts including:
*Standing on his head on a gliding ottoman HANDS FREE!
*Jumping out of a moving stroller!
*Diving from high places!
*fearless handling of ferocious beasts!
*and Nursing upside down!
Hurricane Hollis is capable of manhandling people twice his size! He makes five realistic sounds, including ma, ba, da, ha, and of course his signature ear-piercing scream!
The best part about the new and improved Hurricane Hollis - you can play with him for 12 or more hours straight before he needs his battery re-charged. Get your own today!
*Standing on his head on a gliding ottoman HANDS FREE!
*Jumping out of a moving stroller!
*Diving from high places!
*fearless handling of ferocious beasts!
*and Nursing upside down!
Hurricane Hollis is capable of manhandling people twice his size! He makes five realistic sounds, including ma, ba, da, ha, and of course his signature ear-piercing scream!
The best part about the new and improved Hurricane Hollis - you can play with him for 12 or more hours straight before he needs his battery re-charged. Get your own today!
Friday, July 2, 2010
happy mad
my dog ran away
both my sewing machines are out
my coach bag has chocolate all inside it
my "friends" have been awkward around me
i can't sleep. i woke up early this morning hungry, hot, and having to pee. i came into the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal, then out of nowhere a thought comet came down and struck me in the head (in other words it dawned on me, but i can't just say what everyone else says, nooo....)that when I lost Maren, I had been on diflucan for a MONTH straight. Diflucan is contraindicated for pregnancy. So I decided to look up just exactly what the deal was with diflucan and pregnancy, and sure enough, there was the M word staring me in the face: Miscarriage.
I feel like a giant ball of emotions. I'm like...so mad, at the drug company and the midwife and myself. I'm so mad i could break something. That was my baby. I only had problems with the yeast because of being on antibiotics at the end of my pregnancy...so then i am mad at the doctors and the midwife and the hospital, and mad about my c-section, and mad about the whole situation in general.
But at the same time I'm kind of relieved.
I lost Heleigh when I was 14. I lost Angel when I was too drunk. I lost Starr when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy, and I lost Maren when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy.
That is validating. I feel like I really do have a chance. Its like a marathon, and i just jumped the first hurtle.
I keep telling david our next will be born at home. He doesn't believe me, but I told him he no longer has a say considering how our last birth went. My body, my choice.
both my sewing machines are out
my coach bag has chocolate all inside it
my "friends" have been awkward around me
i can't sleep. i woke up early this morning hungry, hot, and having to pee. i came into the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal, then out of nowhere a thought comet came down and struck me in the head (in other words it dawned on me, but i can't just say what everyone else says, nooo....)that when I lost Maren, I had been on diflucan for a MONTH straight. Diflucan is contraindicated for pregnancy. So I decided to look up just exactly what the deal was with diflucan and pregnancy, and sure enough, there was the M word staring me in the face: Miscarriage.
I feel like a giant ball of emotions. I'm like...so mad, at the drug company and the midwife and myself. I'm so mad i could break something. That was my baby. I only had problems with the yeast because of being on antibiotics at the end of my pregnancy...so then i am mad at the doctors and the midwife and the hospital, and mad about my c-section, and mad about the whole situation in general.
But at the same time I'm kind of relieved.
I lost Heleigh when I was 14. I lost Angel when I was too drunk. I lost Starr when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy, and I lost Maren when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy.
That is validating. I feel like I really do have a chance. Its like a marathon, and i just jumped the first hurtle.
I keep telling david our next will be born at home. He doesn't believe me, but I told him he no longer has a say considering how our last birth went. My body, my choice.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
One of those days
and I mean it in a good way.
Hollis has been pinchy pinchy lately. David said he was going to send him to lobster school. Seriously, its been bad. I tried putting him in time out but ugh the time out is just so heartbreaking that I dont see how it could be a useful discipline tool. So i started poking around on GCM and it has been mutually agreed upon that traditional time-outs are punitive. That's not what I want. Punitive discipline and punitive parenting in general tends to create an adversarial relationship between parents and children. and to quote Jane and Michael banks, "If you wont scold or dominate us, we'll never give you cause to hate us..."
So my post on the discipline board led to my own realization that it would be better to remind him of "gentle" touches and also that if he is learning to pinch, perhaps he should have a healthy, safe outlet for practicing such a skill. It was also suggested by other posters, and also the whole sensory stimulation thing was thrown around and I began to look into ways to provide him with more and different vestibular/proprioceptive stimulation since that seems to be where he struggles (and as a colicky baby, likely where he has ALWAYS struggled).
I talked to my husband about these things and he agreed that time-out, as we were approaching it, was a bit too punitive and adversarial, and he likes the ideas I came up with to help Hollis' sensory issues even if it means not going on vaca and using the money for that. for one thing, H just can't tolerate more than a couple hours in the car, which wouldn't get us very far, and for another thing, david will likely never get a week off of work. We began last night to just ask H to be gentle when he was pinching. He obliged without hesitation and was praised for such.
Alas, when I went to give him his bedtime snack last night I chose applesauce and instead of doing a fisted grab on his spoon, he used his pincer grasp. *bells going off*
Today, i pulled him up in my lap to nurse him while we watched Mary Poppins and he pinched my arm as he was latching on. I told him no pinching, and that I can't hold him if he's going to pinch me because it hurts. He looked me in the eye and did it again, so I put him down on the floor. He stood up, turned around and laid his head down on me crying. I waited a moment before deciding to give him another chance. As soon as he was in my arms he began using his gentle touches. I latched him on and he did his gentle touch on my arm where he'd previously pinched me. I told him that was much better, and how much more i like it when he's gentle. After another couple of seconds, he stopped nursing, stood up in my lap and hugged my head all of his own volition. I took it as his apology for doing something that was hurting, cause he knows when mama's crying you give her a hug and it helps her feel better (david taught him that, hah), and also his thanks for our newfound grace-based approach to his little lobster claws. I love that little boy.
I ventured to storytime at the library today after going to rent movies yesterday and seeing Ms. Roz. Storytime here consists of usually an art project, a few songs, a couple of books, a short movie clip, and then some playtime with small manipulatives or puzzles. Hollis of course just wants to run and scream and stomp on peoples art projects and steal their cars and smash their block towers. Its incredibly stressful on both of us as I'm aware that people are looking at me wondering why I haven't whooped him and why I can't control my child, and Hollis wants really hard to behave but he's an impulsive toddler who seeks extra vestibular sensory input (*ding ding ding*). But I figure he has to learn some social skills, and there are other fringe benefits as well, so I'm determined to gracefully get him through story time at the library. Today, he survived the art project thankfully because it was sticker art, and he really likes that (we've been incorporating a lot of sticker art into our "homeschool" stuff lately), then for the songs I tried really hard to get him to dance along. During the stories I stood up and rocked him and did the fussy baby dance (another mom was there doing the fussy baby dance with her newborn, which made it all the more awkward for me to have to be doing it with an almost 1.5 yr old), and during the movie we went out into the main part of the library and chose a new movie to check out, then we made our way back to the story time room for playtime. he didn't want to go back in there as he'd already determined it was too boring, but I managed to convince him to play with the puzzles since that's a familiar toy for him (we have a whole rack of wooden peg puzzles at home). after he dumped out about three or four puzzles and ran away, i put away a couple of them, then brought him back over to help me clean up the others. its so hard to be firm but gentle, especially when you have a whole group of other moms watching you wondering why you're being so nice to your heathen child. after we put the puzzles away (and yes he did help, because he knows that's what we do when we make a mess) he went around giving gentle touches to all the other kids, who looked at him like he had an extra head. I smiled and laughed it off and told him good job for being gentle and told the other children sorry he just really likes you LOL. We were about to make our exit before things got ugly and Ms. Roz gave him a little toy dinosaur that had wheels on the bottom. he spent a good amount of time just rolling it around on the carpet (again, fixation on things that roll or spin is a sensory issue) and make some really awesome scary growling noises, then we swapped his dinosaur for a motorcycle out of the treasure box since I know that's right up his alley. I asked him if he was ready to go byebye, and then we left together, holding hands. Its interesting to me that he can seem so out of control to onlookers (which I'm now positive is due to sensory issues), but yet when I ask him to help clean up, he instantly pitches in, and when I ask him if he's ready to go byebye, he doesn't fight me, and when I tell him to hold my hand, he does so willingly, because he trusts me. I LOVE him.
Fast forward to just moments ago, getting ready to put him down for a nap, he is cranky and bored and wants to play outside during the hottest part of the day which I haven't been letting him play outside between the hours of about 11 to 3. He needed a diaper change. Now not only was he tired, and not getting his way, but I was going to be bothering him with a diaper change. I asked him several times to come here (I was in his room, then coming down the hallway) but he didn't. I told him he needed his diaper changed and he was standing in the middle of the room screaming. Knowing that naptime was imminent, I simply scooped him up and began to carry him back to his room, telling him he needed his hiney changed. He smacked me in the face, so I turned him around and held him in the bearhug so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I barely had the phrase "I know, honey, you're mad because you want to play outside" half out of my mouth before he was attempting to reach around and "gentle" touch my face.
He knows! He gets it. He hit me because he was mad, but instead of it turning into a mommy-baby brawl, he corrected himself. I validated his feelings, then we played peekaboo while I changed his dipe. THAT is the reason I am committed to peaceful parenting. Yeah it is probably the hardest thing I will ever do, but the rewards are beyond worth it. The end result makes it obvious that anything else is absolutely out of the question.
Hollis has been pinchy pinchy lately. David said he was going to send him to lobster school. Seriously, its been bad. I tried putting him in time out but ugh the time out is just so heartbreaking that I dont see how it could be a useful discipline tool. So i started poking around on GCM and it has been mutually agreed upon that traditional time-outs are punitive. That's not what I want. Punitive discipline and punitive parenting in general tends to create an adversarial relationship between parents and children. and to quote Jane and Michael banks, "If you wont scold or dominate us, we'll never give you cause to hate us..."
So my post on the discipline board led to my own realization that it would be better to remind him of "gentle" touches and also that if he is learning to pinch, perhaps he should have a healthy, safe outlet for practicing such a skill. It was also suggested by other posters, and also the whole sensory stimulation thing was thrown around and I began to look into ways to provide him with more and different vestibular/proprioceptive stimulation since that seems to be where he struggles (and as a colicky baby, likely where he has ALWAYS struggled).
I talked to my husband about these things and he agreed that time-out, as we were approaching it, was a bit too punitive and adversarial, and he likes the ideas I came up with to help Hollis' sensory issues even if it means not going on vaca and using the money for that. for one thing, H just can't tolerate more than a couple hours in the car, which wouldn't get us very far, and for another thing, david will likely never get a week off of work. We began last night to just ask H to be gentle when he was pinching. He obliged without hesitation and was praised for such.
Alas, when I went to give him his bedtime snack last night I chose applesauce and instead of doing a fisted grab on his spoon, he used his pincer grasp. *bells going off*
Today, i pulled him up in my lap to nurse him while we watched Mary Poppins and he pinched my arm as he was latching on. I told him no pinching, and that I can't hold him if he's going to pinch me because it hurts. He looked me in the eye and did it again, so I put him down on the floor. He stood up, turned around and laid his head down on me crying. I waited a moment before deciding to give him another chance. As soon as he was in my arms he began using his gentle touches. I latched him on and he did his gentle touch on my arm where he'd previously pinched me. I told him that was much better, and how much more i like it when he's gentle. After another couple of seconds, he stopped nursing, stood up in my lap and hugged my head all of his own volition. I took it as his apology for doing something that was hurting, cause he knows when mama's crying you give her a hug and it helps her feel better (david taught him that, hah), and also his thanks for our newfound grace-based approach to his little lobster claws. I love that little boy.
I ventured to storytime at the library today after going to rent movies yesterday and seeing Ms. Roz. Storytime here consists of usually an art project, a few songs, a couple of books, a short movie clip, and then some playtime with small manipulatives or puzzles. Hollis of course just wants to run and scream and stomp on peoples art projects and steal their cars and smash their block towers. Its incredibly stressful on both of us as I'm aware that people are looking at me wondering why I haven't whooped him and why I can't control my child, and Hollis wants really hard to behave but he's an impulsive toddler who seeks extra vestibular sensory input (*ding ding ding*). But I figure he has to learn some social skills, and there are other fringe benefits as well, so I'm determined to gracefully get him through story time at the library. Today, he survived the art project thankfully because it was sticker art, and he really likes that (we've been incorporating a lot of sticker art into our "homeschool" stuff lately), then for the songs I tried really hard to get him to dance along. During the stories I stood up and rocked him and did the fussy baby dance (another mom was there doing the fussy baby dance with her newborn, which made it all the more awkward for me to have to be doing it with an almost 1.5 yr old), and during the movie we went out into the main part of the library and chose a new movie to check out, then we made our way back to the story time room for playtime. he didn't want to go back in there as he'd already determined it was too boring, but I managed to convince him to play with the puzzles since that's a familiar toy for him (we have a whole rack of wooden peg puzzles at home). after he dumped out about three or four puzzles and ran away, i put away a couple of them, then brought him back over to help me clean up the others. its so hard to be firm but gentle, especially when you have a whole group of other moms watching you wondering why you're being so nice to your heathen child. after we put the puzzles away (and yes he did help, because he knows that's what we do when we make a mess) he went around giving gentle touches to all the other kids, who looked at him like he had an extra head. I smiled and laughed it off and told him good job for being gentle and told the other children sorry he just really likes you LOL. We were about to make our exit before things got ugly and Ms. Roz gave him a little toy dinosaur that had wheels on the bottom. he spent a good amount of time just rolling it around on the carpet (again, fixation on things that roll or spin is a sensory issue) and make some really awesome scary growling noises, then we swapped his dinosaur for a motorcycle out of the treasure box since I know that's right up his alley. I asked him if he was ready to go byebye, and then we left together, holding hands. Its interesting to me that he can seem so out of control to onlookers (which I'm now positive is due to sensory issues), but yet when I ask him to help clean up, he instantly pitches in, and when I ask him if he's ready to go byebye, he doesn't fight me, and when I tell him to hold my hand, he does so willingly, because he trusts me. I LOVE him.
Fast forward to just moments ago, getting ready to put him down for a nap, he is cranky and bored and wants to play outside during the hottest part of the day which I haven't been letting him play outside between the hours of about 11 to 3. He needed a diaper change. Now not only was he tired, and not getting his way, but I was going to be bothering him with a diaper change. I asked him several times to come here (I was in his room, then coming down the hallway) but he didn't. I told him he needed his diaper changed and he was standing in the middle of the room screaming. Knowing that naptime was imminent, I simply scooped him up and began to carry him back to his room, telling him he needed his hiney changed. He smacked me in the face, so I turned him around and held him in the bearhug so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I barely had the phrase "I know, honey, you're mad because you want to play outside" half out of my mouth before he was attempting to reach around and "gentle" touch my face.
He knows! He gets it. He hit me because he was mad, but instead of it turning into a mommy-baby brawl, he corrected himself. I validated his feelings, then we played peekaboo while I changed his dipe. THAT is the reason I am committed to peaceful parenting. Yeah it is probably the hardest thing I will ever do, but the rewards are beyond worth it. The end result makes it obvious that anything else is absolutely out of the question.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Today's service
today's service was about temptation.
we sang this nifty hymn (not to be confused with "hem" as i'm sitting right next to my sewing machine hahahahaha)
hold on i had to write the words down on my bulletin. i was smitten (as ever).
#478 "Praise, My Soul, the King of Heaven"
Praise Him still the same as ever,
Slow to chide and swift to bless...
Fatherlike, He tends and spares us;
Well our feeble frame He knows;
In His hands He gently bears us,
Rescues us from all our foes.
Alleluia, Alleluia, widely set His mercy flows!
although i believe to be concise, i added the "!" at the end.
Being the "Healer" that I am (Meyers-Briggs personality type), and in my ever present mindset of being a Mother first, I was of course reading into it how it applies to GBD, or grace-based discipline. I restrained myself from dancing around the fellowship hall and praising God for bringing me into the service this morning using the one thing He knew for sure to work - the words of a child! I praised Him silently, instead.
wait wait wait, back up, you say!!
I haven't been going to church. I was fairly disgruntled by the actions of a few individuals, and to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't have influenced my decision to go or not to go so strongly if these people weren't in direct contact with the church kids on a regular basis.
But, last night one of the aforementioned kids texted me (dont know how she got my number but it doesn't matter :] ) and wanted to call me but i got ahold of her on facebook messenger instead, and she told me she is moving on tuesday. today would be her last sunday with us. so WITHOUT hesitation i told her i'd be there!
I'm so glad I went in, honestly.
I was just talking to my therapist on thursday about wanting to find a new church or just moving to canada. She asked me if i was just running away, and I admitted to that partially. My generalized anxiety disorder has me creating all sorts of illogical things to obsess over and be anxious about. But I am telling this story in totally the wrong order.
Suffice it to say I'd been avoiding coming to church. Even after hearing a PSA type of thing on the praise rock station we listen to in the car that IMO may as well have been the voice of God (just call me Joan of Arcadia - this type of thing happens to me all.the.time.) asking me when was the last time I went to church? and what sort of things could I DO for the church? At first I thought it was perhaps a nudge back in the direction of FPC, but then I decided maybe I should look into other churches. Fast forward through a few days of waffling to yesterday, when I was asked by a child, of all people, to come in for one last visit with her - God knows how to speak to me (of course, and isn't it amazing?).
So imagine my joy at reading the lyrics to the aforementioned hymn.
When the reason I was avoiding church was because of my belief in grace-based discipline causing me to butt heads with a few other members, when I was scripting to myself how I would handle such things in the future as I was driving up the road toward the church building, when I was repeating and replaying pieces of the gospel in my mind's eye, imagine my sheer joy at reading such a hymn for the day.
Today's sermon was regarding "The Biblical Characters In Me: Temptation" and I highlighted a few key notes:
"Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."
"Have you identified your God-given gifts?"
"Are you in touch with His plan for your life?"
In regards to my own personal life, it is easy for me to confuse what I want with what God wants - when I believe that God wants me to be my child's mother, first and foremost, and its a job I love, I have to take family planning into prayerful consideration - too many children too fast and I cannot take care of them in the way God wants me to because of my own human ways, it would be easy to get overwhelmed and not be able to carry out my own mission of being committed to motherhood and using gentle discipline in the name of Jesus. After Hollis was born, I longed for another child - partly because the one I had just cried all day, and I felt empty and disconnected. Once that bond was stronger, I still wanted a sibling for him, and I miscarried. And so, the time wasn't right, and I took a few months to really consider how to handle the family planning issue. Hollis was still very much a baby, nursing constantly, and nowhere near ready to share me. As he nurses less, and sleeps more soundly, I have more confidence in his ability to not only share me but to be ready for the responsibilities of being a big brother. "Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."
My other take on this, as it pertains to my life, is that when I am tempted to "spank" and have to really try HARD to come up with something better, something Grace-based, this same idea applies - pursuing what I desire - to "teach him" - with reckless abandon - impulsive hitting - has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness. Amen.
Have I identified my God-given gifts?
I was watching TV the other day, and I dont know where it came from, but it sort of blind-sided me that I have been a bit attention starved for the better part of my life - I cant remember a single time when my mom sat down and just enjoyed playing with me. My dad played some but for the most part, my childhood was lonely and acting out only resulted in physical pain. I soon learned to gain the attention that I craved through doing well in school, and performing arts. When we moved and doing well in school wasn't as easy nor was it as gratifying, I became severely depressed, anxious, and compulsive. My husband became my security blanket because he gave me the attention I desperately needed. I participated in performing arts (and still do to some degree when I have the chance). I decided at an early age, before being able to personally identify with or verbalize why I felt this way, that being a stay-at-home-mom is the most important job in the world, and therefore the job I want. I've always loved being around babies and kids, and that turned into a passion for human development and psychology. I shared all of this with my therapist and remarked on how amazing it was that all of these events so drastically shaped who I am - I suppose we are all an amalgamation of our experiences - but it's still impressive the way God has chosen to shape me. In a way I suppose that's my gift.
Am I in touch with His plan for my life?
I'm trying to be. I'm trying so, so hard.
we sang this nifty hymn (not to be confused with "hem" as i'm sitting right next to my sewing machine hahahahaha)
hold on i had to write the words down on my bulletin. i was smitten (as ever).
#478 "Praise, My Soul, the King of Heaven"
Praise Him still the same as ever,
Slow to chide and swift to bless...
Fatherlike, He tends and spares us;
Well our feeble frame He knows;
In His hands He gently bears us,
Rescues us from all our foes.
Alleluia, Alleluia, widely set His mercy flows!
although i believe to be concise, i added the "!" at the end.
Being the "Healer" that I am (Meyers-Briggs personality type), and in my ever present mindset of being a Mother first, I was of course reading into it how it applies to GBD, or grace-based discipline. I restrained myself from dancing around the fellowship hall and praising God for bringing me into the service this morning using the one thing He knew for sure to work - the words of a child! I praised Him silently, instead.
wait wait wait, back up, you say!!
I haven't been going to church. I was fairly disgruntled by the actions of a few individuals, and to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't have influenced my decision to go or not to go so strongly if these people weren't in direct contact with the church kids on a regular basis.
But, last night one of the aforementioned kids texted me (dont know how she got my number but it doesn't matter :] ) and wanted to call me but i got ahold of her on facebook messenger instead, and she told me she is moving on tuesday. today would be her last sunday with us. so WITHOUT hesitation i told her i'd be there!
I'm so glad I went in, honestly.
I was just talking to my therapist on thursday about wanting to find a new church or just moving to canada. She asked me if i was just running away, and I admitted to that partially. My generalized anxiety disorder has me creating all sorts of illogical things to obsess over and be anxious about. But I am telling this story in totally the wrong order.
Suffice it to say I'd been avoiding coming to church. Even after hearing a PSA type of thing on the praise rock station we listen to in the car that IMO may as well have been the voice of God (just call me Joan of Arcadia - this type of thing happens to me all.the.time.) asking me when was the last time I went to church? and what sort of things could I DO for the church? At first I thought it was perhaps a nudge back in the direction of FPC, but then I decided maybe I should look into other churches. Fast forward through a few days of waffling to yesterday, when I was asked by a child, of all people, to come in for one last visit with her - God knows how to speak to me (of course, and isn't it amazing?).
So imagine my joy at reading the lyrics to the aforementioned hymn.
When the reason I was avoiding church was because of my belief in grace-based discipline causing me to butt heads with a few other members, when I was scripting to myself how I would handle such things in the future as I was driving up the road toward the church building, when I was repeating and replaying pieces of the gospel in my mind's eye, imagine my sheer joy at reading such a hymn for the day.
Today's sermon was regarding "The Biblical Characters In Me: Temptation" and I highlighted a few key notes:
"Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."
"Have you identified your God-given gifts?"
"Are you in touch with His plan for your life?"
In regards to my own personal life, it is easy for me to confuse what I want with what God wants - when I believe that God wants me to be my child's mother, first and foremost, and its a job I love, I have to take family planning into prayerful consideration - too many children too fast and I cannot take care of them in the way God wants me to because of my own human ways, it would be easy to get overwhelmed and not be able to carry out my own mission of being committed to motherhood and using gentle discipline in the name of Jesus. After Hollis was born, I longed for another child - partly because the one I had just cried all day, and I felt empty and disconnected. Once that bond was stronger, I still wanted a sibling for him, and I miscarried. And so, the time wasn't right, and I took a few months to really consider how to handle the family planning issue. Hollis was still very much a baby, nursing constantly, and nowhere near ready to share me. As he nurses less, and sleeps more soundly, I have more confidence in his ability to not only share me but to be ready for the responsibilities of being a big brother. "Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."
My other take on this, as it pertains to my life, is that when I am tempted to "spank" and have to really try HARD to come up with something better, something Grace-based, this same idea applies - pursuing what I desire - to "teach him" - with reckless abandon - impulsive hitting - has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness. Amen.
Have I identified my God-given gifts?
I was watching TV the other day, and I dont know where it came from, but it sort of blind-sided me that I have been a bit attention starved for the better part of my life - I cant remember a single time when my mom sat down and just enjoyed playing with me. My dad played some but for the most part, my childhood was lonely and acting out only resulted in physical pain. I soon learned to gain the attention that I craved through doing well in school, and performing arts. When we moved and doing well in school wasn't as easy nor was it as gratifying, I became severely depressed, anxious, and compulsive. My husband became my security blanket because he gave me the attention I desperately needed. I participated in performing arts (and still do to some degree when I have the chance). I decided at an early age, before being able to personally identify with or verbalize why I felt this way, that being a stay-at-home-mom is the most important job in the world, and therefore the job I want. I've always loved being around babies and kids, and that turned into a passion for human development and psychology. I shared all of this with my therapist and remarked on how amazing it was that all of these events so drastically shaped who I am - I suppose we are all an amalgamation of our experiences - but it's still impressive the way God has chosen to shape me. In a way I suppose that's my gift.
Am I in touch with His plan for my life?
I'm trying to be. I'm trying so, so hard.
The Almost - Say This Sooner
I can't believe I didn't say this sooner
I'll just believe that I was all displaced
I'll get to speaking, let you know how I feel
I'll get to judging, make you see my appeal
OH OH OH!!!
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear...
I swear I'm not
I SWEAR I'M NOT!!!!
This make me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not
In and out is where it gets back to the place
It does make me feel like I just want to feel just like its touch
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All your friends think that you're gone but you swear,
I swear I'm not
No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not
I swear I'm not!
Disclaimer Post
Hi there - new blog here. Just gonna start it off with a little disclaimer....
what i post here has NOTHING to do with you.
i dont care what you do, i dont care what you believe, and i didn't start this because of you.
Now, are you ready to join me on my journey in discovering what "grace" really means?
what i post here has NOTHING to do with you.
i dont care what you do, i dont care what you believe, and i didn't start this because of you.
Now, are you ready to join me on my journey in discovering what "grace" really means?
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