JSD

J-dawg died. was he on something? probably. he drove across several lanes, flipped his truck, took out some trees. will he be missed? sorely. He had this most amazing way with people, like he never met a stranger, but beyond that - not just were strangers more like acquaintances or friends....they were more like family. he was so WARM. his divorce left a huge hole in him, he spent years trying to fill it, and just days before his wreck he came to my brother in law crying and prayed for God to take that pain and addiction from him. my brother in law got down on his knees and prayed with him. his last status update on facebook said "Good friday to all,stand tall head up chest out spread the love" and that's exactly how he approached life - spreading the love to everyone he met. he always had a smile on his face and something warm to say. when i sat in that sanctuary today, too preoccupied with my own reflections on life and death to be paying attention to the service, i felt J-dawg's arms wrapped around my soul. not physically but perhaps metaphysically. "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body" - CS Lewis. J-dawg wrapped his bare, tan arms around my soul and said, "It'll be alright, girl. It'll be alright." He's better now. Of this i'm sure.

addiction makes me mad and then i'm pissed off at society all over again. we are so ready to cast off those who struggle with addictions as somehow less-than, but who are we?? we are not perfect. everyone has their vices. we are all people. we are all souls. addiction is a medical problem like any other. addiction does not make a person, and people are SO much more than their vices.

Lord, please be with me in the next few days. I need your guidance so much right now. and please be with my husband and help him through his grieving process.

My husband has never lost someone close to him before. On our way home he told me this story: "You know when you're little and you always want to hang out with your brothers, but they wont let you, because they're your brothers. You always want to ride their bikes but they never let you 'cause you're little. J**** always let me ride his."

my heart broke for my husband in that moment. J-dawg was like his brother. J-dawg was a constant around my mother-in-law's house, he was there even when my brothers-in-law weren't for being in jail, J-dawg would show up and just hang out with my mother-in-law. He was a part of our family. I remember the first time i met him, i was in middle school, and he showed up at my mother-in-law's house and said "Is Bruce here?" my husband said nope, he's in Austin with Sarah. J-dawg said "Is Brian here?" my husband said nope, he ain't here either. but did J-dawg leave? no....he just came on in and joined the family in whatever we were doing. which was probably a whole bunch of nothing, but that's ok. he was down with it. he really was a part of the family.

my mother-in-law has always had this great unspoken open-door policy, where any of the kids, friends, friends kids, kids friends, could show up any time and as long as they weren't starting any trouble, they were welcome, even if no one was home. On the one hand, I've always worried about unhealthy boundaries,but on the other hand, it led to a lot of really great extended-family.

We're hoping to extend our family soon.

As we venture forth over the upcoming days, weeks, and months, I pray that we'll remember to just keep praying and stay focused.

it's so late. i have no focus.

sleep now. focus later.