happy mad

my dog ran away

both my sewing machines are out

my coach bag has chocolate all inside it

my "friends" have been awkward around me

i can't sleep. i woke up early this morning hungry, hot, and having to pee. i came into the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal, then out of nowhere a thought comet came down and struck me in the head (in other words it dawned on me, but i can't just say what everyone else says, nooo....)that when I lost Maren, I had been on diflucan for a MONTH straight. Diflucan is contraindicated for pregnancy. So I decided to look up just exactly what the deal was with diflucan and pregnancy, and sure enough, there was the M word staring me in the face: Miscarriage.

I feel like a giant ball of emotions. I'm like...so mad, at the drug company and the midwife and myself. I'm so mad i could break something. That was my baby. I only had problems with the yeast because of being on antibiotics at the end of my pregnancy...so then i am mad at the doctors and the midwife and the hospital, and mad about my c-section, and mad about the whole situation in general.

But at the same time I'm kind of relieved.

I lost Heleigh when I was 14. I lost Angel when I was too drunk. I lost Starr when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy, and I lost Maren when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy.

That is validating. I feel like I really do have a chance. Its like a marathon, and i just jumped the first hurtle.

I keep telling david our next will be born at home. He doesn't believe me, but I told him he no longer has a say considering how our last birth went. My body, my choice.