I've been praying a lot. Somewhere between losing Maren, and losing Spike, I began to feel lost myself. So I began to ask God daily to show me what's next. The answer, of course, was under my nose all along: motherhood. I've been considering prayerfully with each day what that job title means to me, what it means to Him. I've come out with a lot of answers, many of which likely wont make it into this particular blog entry, and was especially stricken by the following paragraph, taken from an entry in the archives of mommylife.net which was posted on my wall by a woman i am truly honored to have met (amazing how God works in our lives)
"The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.
It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting...And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible."
article goes on to mention a "wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents." and says "We need to remind parents of Jesus' servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. "
Amen mama! just reading that lifted so much off my shoulders in a world where i'm made to feel like i SHOULD have other priorities, and that i NEED time away from my son to do things for myself....all of the sudden my desire to just be with my son was completely validated. In the depths of depression, having not left my house for days upon days, I prayed to the Lord to take the pain away and lead me to a life of fulfillment, and the message I received in return was that family is fulfillment. Not money, not stuff, not a big house or a pretty car or a pedicure or french tips, not purple hair, not cable tv, not karaoke night, but family. Family is where its at. I shared this revelation with David and told him how I felt - that these extraneous activities were not fulfilling and that many of them in fact were a distraction from what was truly important, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would find the same fire in his heart. He, to my surprise, instantly agreed. I silently praised God!! We decided to make a concerted effort to be much more family oriented and less self-oriented. I must say, things have been so wonderful since that decision was made. Its led to a nice list of changes, call them mid-year resolutions, if you will. I'll post the initial list here and then move it over to the side and edit it as needed. Keeping a running list of things helps me to keep my focus where it belongs!
1. change churches
2. work out every day - time permitting
3. new daily routine - chores in the morning, fun/educational activities in the afternoons, homemade dinner, bedtime at 7
4. gently encourage H toward a life without, or at least with less, nursies (with a preliminary goal of weaning him next spring)
5. ttc #2 (#6?)
6. get some goats!
7. lower the grocery budget
8. eat healthier
yes these are things that really are important to me. society is trying really damn hard to make me want other things, but what's important to me is my family and the making of this home. thus, i'm embracing my still-somewhat-new role of mother, setting healthy boundaries, making the grown up decisions, and staking a claim on the title of Homemaker. That's what I do. It's my job, it's my heart, it's my life.
I've also had a few serious talks with my husband - as well as the "fulfillment" conversation, I've discussed the idea that the intimate friendships of childhood are replaced by the emotionally intimate relationship of marriage - that one has taken him some time to wrap his head around, but i took it as a good sign when he and i sat on the couch with the baby's magnadoodle toy and played an impromptu game of pictionary. I've forced him to admit that he doesn't do much around the house, and given him permission to not do much around the house, because he works so much, as long as he's willing to just admit that he doesn't do as much as he tries to claim doing. I'm working on introducing him to the concept of assigning positive intent, and I've gotten him to acknowledge that he has trouble shifting from work mode to home mode. He can't treat me like his employee and he has to learn when to take the backseat and stop barking out orders. He's not home much, and he really DOESN'T know what's going on around here most of the time, and he shouldn't feel like he has to manage at work and at home. He has to let me take the reins at home, cause that's what I'm here for. He's working on it, I can tell, and he relates to me now more as his friend than as the terrible lady he has to live with. I'm so grateful I could cry. I've begged him on my knees to just go back to being my best friend again. We're getting there. Praise the Lord!
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