One of those days

and I mean it in a good way.

Hollis has been pinchy pinchy lately. David said he was going to send him to lobster school. Seriously, its been bad. I tried putting him in time out but ugh the time out is just so heartbreaking that I dont see how it could be a useful discipline tool. So i started poking around on GCM and it has been mutually agreed upon that traditional time-outs are punitive. That's not what I want. Punitive discipline and punitive parenting in general tends to create an adversarial relationship between parents and children. and to quote Jane and Michael banks, "If you wont scold or dominate us, we'll never give you cause to hate us..."

So my post on the discipline board led to my own realization that it would be better to remind him of "gentle" touches and also that if he is learning to pinch, perhaps he should have a healthy, safe outlet for practicing such a skill. It was also suggested by other posters, and also the whole sensory stimulation thing was thrown around and I began to look into ways to provide him with more and different vestibular/proprioceptive stimulation since that seems to be where he struggles (and as a colicky baby, likely where he has ALWAYS struggled).

I talked to my husband about these things and he agreed that time-out, as we were approaching it, was a bit too punitive and adversarial, and he likes the ideas I came up with to help Hollis' sensory issues even if it means not going on vaca and using the money for that. for one thing, H just can't tolerate more than a couple hours in the car, which wouldn't get us very far, and for another thing, david will likely never get a week off of work. We began last night to just ask H to be gentle when he was pinching. He obliged without hesitation and was praised for such.

Alas, when I went to give him his bedtime snack last night I chose applesauce and instead of doing a fisted grab on his spoon, he used his pincer grasp. *bells going off*

Today, i pulled him up in my lap to nurse him while we watched Mary Poppins and he pinched my arm as he was latching on. I told him no pinching, and that I can't hold him if he's going to pinch me because it hurts. He looked me in the eye and did it again, so I put him down on the floor. He stood up, turned around and laid his head down on me crying. I waited a moment before deciding to give him another chance. As soon as he was in my arms he began using his gentle touches. I latched him on and he did his gentle touch on my arm where he'd previously pinched me. I told him that was much better, and how much more i like it when he's gentle. After another couple of seconds, he stopped nursing, stood up in my lap and hugged my head all of his own volition. I took it as his apology for doing something that was hurting, cause he knows when mama's crying you give her a hug and it helps her feel better (david taught him that, hah), and also his thanks for our newfound grace-based approach to his little lobster claws. I love that little boy.



I ventured to storytime at the library today after going to rent movies yesterday and seeing Ms. Roz. Storytime here consists of usually an art project, a few songs, a couple of books, a short movie clip, and then some playtime with small manipulatives or puzzles. Hollis of course just wants to run and scream and stomp on peoples art projects and steal their cars and smash their block towers. Its incredibly stressful on both of us as I'm aware that people are looking at me wondering why I haven't whooped him and why I can't control my child, and Hollis wants really hard to behave but he's an impulsive toddler who seeks extra vestibular sensory input (*ding ding ding*). But I figure he has to learn some social skills, and there are other fringe benefits as well, so I'm determined to gracefully get him through story time at the library. Today, he survived the art project thankfully because it was sticker art, and he really likes that (we've been incorporating a lot of sticker art into our "homeschool" stuff lately), then for the songs I tried really hard to get him to dance along. During the stories I stood up and rocked him and did the fussy baby dance (another mom was there doing the fussy baby dance with her newborn, which made it all the more awkward for me to have to be doing it with an almost 1.5 yr old), and during the movie we went out into the main part of the library and chose a new movie to check out, then we made our way back to the story time room for playtime. he didn't want to go back in there as he'd already determined it was too boring, but I managed to convince him to play with the puzzles since that's a familiar toy for him (we have a whole rack of wooden peg puzzles at home). after he dumped out about three or four puzzles and ran away, i put away a couple of them, then brought him back over to help me clean up the others. its so hard to be firm but gentle, especially when you have a whole group of other moms watching you wondering why you're being so nice to your heathen child. after we put the puzzles away (and yes he did help, because he knows that's what we do when we make a mess) he went around giving gentle touches to all the other kids, who looked at him like he had an extra head. I smiled and laughed it off and told him good job for being gentle and told the other children sorry he just really likes you LOL. We were about to make our exit before things got ugly and Ms. Roz gave him a little toy dinosaur that had wheels on the bottom. he spent a good amount of time just rolling it around on the carpet (again, fixation on things that roll or spin is a sensory issue) and make some really awesome scary growling noises, then we swapped his dinosaur for a motorcycle out of the treasure box since I know that's right up his alley. I asked him if he was ready to go byebye, and then we left together, holding hands. Its interesting to me that he can seem so out of control to onlookers (which I'm now positive is due to sensory issues), but yet when I ask him to help clean up, he instantly pitches in, and when I ask him if he's ready to go byebye, he doesn't fight me, and when I tell him to hold my hand, he does so willingly, because he trusts me. I LOVE him.



Fast forward to just moments ago, getting ready to put him down for a nap, he is cranky and bored and wants to play outside during the hottest part of the day which I haven't been letting him play outside between the hours of about 11 to 3. He needed a diaper change. Now not only was he tired, and not getting his way, but I was going to be bothering him with a diaper change. I asked him several times to come here (I was in his room, then coming down the hallway) but he didn't. I told him he needed his diaper changed and he was standing in the middle of the room screaming. Knowing that naptime was imminent, I simply scooped him up and began to carry him back to his room, telling him he needed his hiney changed. He smacked me in the face, so I turned him around and held him in the bearhug so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I barely had the phrase "I know, honey, you're mad because you want to play outside" half out of my mouth before he was attempting to reach around and "gentle" touch my face.

He knows! He gets it. He hit me because he was mad, but instead of it turning into a mommy-baby brawl, he corrected himself. I validated his feelings, then we played peekaboo while I changed his dipe. THAT is the reason I am committed to peaceful parenting. Yeah it is probably the hardest thing I will ever do, but the rewards are beyond worth it. The end result makes it obvious that anything else is absolutely out of the question.

Today's service

today's service was about temptation.

we sang this nifty hymn (not to be confused with "hem" as i'm sitting right next to my sewing machine hahahahaha)

hold on i had to write the words down on my bulletin. i was smitten (as ever).


#478 "Praise, My Soul, the King of Heaven"

Praise Him still the same as ever,
Slow to chide and swift to bless...
Fatherlike, He tends and spares us;
Well our feeble frame He knows;
In His hands He gently bears us,
Rescues us from all our foes.
Alleluia, Alleluia, widely set His mercy flows!

although i believe to be concise, i added the "!" at the end.

Being the "Healer" that I am (Meyers-Briggs personality type), and in my ever present mindset of being a Mother first, I was of course reading into it how it applies to GBD, or grace-based discipline. I restrained myself from dancing around the fellowship hall and praising God for bringing me into the service this morning using the one thing He knew for sure to work - the words of a child! I praised Him silently, instead.

wait wait wait, back up, you say!!

I haven't been going to church. I was fairly disgruntled by the actions of a few individuals, and to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't have influenced my decision to go or not to go so strongly if these people weren't in direct contact with the church kids on a regular basis.

But, last night one of the aforementioned kids texted me (dont know how she got my number but it doesn't matter :] ) and wanted to call me but i got ahold of her on facebook messenger instead, and she told me she is moving on tuesday. today would be her last sunday with us. so WITHOUT hesitation i told her i'd be there!

I'm so glad I went in, honestly.

I was just talking to my therapist on thursday about wanting to find a new church or just moving to canada. She asked me if i was just running away, and I admitted to that partially. My generalized anxiety disorder has me creating all sorts of illogical things to obsess over and be anxious about. But I am telling this story in totally the wrong order.

Suffice it to say I'd been avoiding coming to church. Even after hearing a PSA type of thing on the praise rock station we listen to in the car that IMO may as well have been the voice of God (just call me Joan of Arcadia - this type of thing happens to me all.the.time.) asking me when was the last time I went to church? and what sort of things could I DO for the church? At first I thought it was perhaps a nudge back in the direction of FPC, but then I decided maybe I should look into other churches. Fast forward through a few days of waffling to yesterday, when I was asked by a child, of all people, to come in for one last visit with her - God knows how to speak to me (of course, and isn't it amazing?).

So imagine my joy at reading the lyrics to the aforementioned hymn.

When the reason I was avoiding church was because of my belief in grace-based discipline causing me to butt heads with a few other members, when I was scripting to myself how I would handle such things in the future as I was driving up the road toward the church building, when I was repeating and replaying pieces of the gospel in my mind's eye, imagine my sheer joy at reading such a hymn for the day.



Today's sermon was regarding "The Biblical Characters In Me: Temptation" and I highlighted a few key notes:

"Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."

"Have you identified your God-given gifts?"
"Are you in touch with His plan for your life?"



In regards to my own personal life, it is easy for me to confuse what I want with what God wants - when I believe that God wants me to be my child's mother, first and foremost, and its a job I love, I have to take family planning into prayerful consideration - too many children too fast and I cannot take care of them in the way God wants me to because of my own human ways, it would be easy to get overwhelmed and not be able to carry out my own mission of being committed to motherhood and using gentle discipline in the name of Jesus. After Hollis was born, I longed for another child - partly because the one I had just cried all day, and I felt empty and disconnected. Once that bond was stronger, I still wanted a sibling for him, and I miscarried. And so, the time wasn't right, and I took a few months to really consider how to handle the family planning issue. Hollis was still very much a baby, nursing constantly, and nowhere near ready to share me. As he nurses less, and sleeps more soundly, I have more confidence in his ability to not only share me but to be ready for the responsibilities of being a big brother. "Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."

My other take on this, as it pertains to my life, is that when I am tempted to "spank" and have to really try HARD to come up with something better, something Grace-based, this same idea applies - pursuing what I desire - to "teach him" - with reckless abandon - impulsive hitting - has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness. Amen.



Have I identified my God-given gifts?

I was watching TV the other day, and I dont know where it came from, but it sort of blind-sided me that I have been a bit attention starved for the better part of my life - I cant remember a single time when my mom sat down and just enjoyed playing with me. My dad played some but for the most part, my childhood was lonely and acting out only resulted in physical pain. I soon learned to gain the attention that I craved through doing well in school, and performing arts. When we moved and doing well in school wasn't as easy nor was it as gratifying, I became severely depressed, anxious, and compulsive. My husband became my security blanket because he gave me the attention I desperately needed. I participated in performing arts (and still do to some degree when I have the chance). I decided at an early age, before being able to personally identify with or verbalize why I felt this way, that being a stay-at-home-mom is the most important job in the world, and therefore the job I want. I've always loved being around babies and kids, and that turned into a passion for human development and psychology. I shared all of this with my therapist and remarked on how amazing it was that all of these events so drastically shaped who I am - I suppose we are all an amalgamation of our experiences - but it's still impressive the way God has chosen to shape me. In a way I suppose that's my gift.

Am I in touch with His plan for my life?

I'm trying to be. I'm trying so, so hard.

The Almost - Say This Sooner

I can't believe I didn't say this sooner
I'll just believe that I was all displaced
I'll get to speaking, let you know how I feel
I'll get to judging, make you see my appeal
OH OH OH!!!

No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear...
I swear I'm not
I SWEAR I'M NOT!!!!

This make me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve

No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not

In and out is where it gets back to the place
It does make me feel like I just want to feel just like its touch

No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All your friends think that you're gone but you swear,
I swear I'm not

No one will ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear, I swear I'm not
I swear I'm not!

Disclaimer Post

Hi there - new blog here. Just gonna start it off with a little disclaimer....

what i post here has NOTHING to do with you.

i dont care what you do, i dont care what you believe, and i didn't start this because of you.

Now, are you ready to join me on my journey in discovering what "grace" really means?