I've been praying a lot. Somewhere between losing Maren, and losing Spike, I began to feel lost myself. So I began to ask God daily to show me what's next. The answer, of course, was under my nose all along: motherhood. I've been considering prayerfully with each day what that job title means to me, what it means to Him. I've come out with a lot of answers, many of which likely wont make it into this particular blog entry, and was especially stricken by the following paragraph, taken from an entry in the archives of mommylife.net which was posted on my wall by a woman i am truly honored to have met (amazing how God works in our lives)
"The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.
It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting...And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible."
article goes on to mention a "wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents." and says "We need to remind parents of Jesus' servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. "
Amen mama! just reading that lifted so much off my shoulders in a world where i'm made to feel like i SHOULD have other priorities, and that i NEED time away from my son to do things for myself....all of the sudden my desire to just be with my son was completely validated. In the depths of depression, having not left my house for days upon days, I prayed to the Lord to take the pain away and lead me to a life of fulfillment, and the message I received in return was that family is fulfillment. Not money, not stuff, not a big house or a pretty car or a pedicure or french tips, not purple hair, not cable tv, not karaoke night, but family. Family is where its at. I shared this revelation with David and told him how I felt - that these extraneous activities were not fulfilling and that many of them in fact were a distraction from what was truly important, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would find the same fire in his heart. He, to my surprise, instantly agreed. I silently praised God!! We decided to make a concerted effort to be much more family oriented and less self-oriented. I must say, things have been so wonderful since that decision was made. Its led to a nice list of changes, call them mid-year resolutions, if you will. I'll post the initial list here and then move it over to the side and edit it as needed. Keeping a running list of things helps me to keep my focus where it belongs!
1. change churches
2. work out every day - time permitting
3. new daily routine - chores in the morning, fun/educational activities in the afternoons, homemade dinner, bedtime at 7
4. gently encourage H toward a life without, or at least with less, nursies (with a preliminary goal of weaning him next spring)
5. ttc #2 (#6?)
6. get some goats!
7. lower the grocery budget
8. eat healthier
yes these are things that really are important to me. society is trying really damn hard to make me want other things, but what's important to me is my family and the making of this home. thus, i'm embracing my still-somewhat-new role of mother, setting healthy boundaries, making the grown up decisions, and staking a claim on the title of Homemaker. That's what I do. It's my job, it's my heart, it's my life.
I've also had a few serious talks with my husband - as well as the "fulfillment" conversation, I've discussed the idea that the intimate friendships of childhood are replaced by the emotionally intimate relationship of marriage - that one has taken him some time to wrap his head around, but i took it as a good sign when he and i sat on the couch with the baby's magnadoodle toy and played an impromptu game of pictionary. I've forced him to admit that he doesn't do much around the house, and given him permission to not do much around the house, because he works so much, as long as he's willing to just admit that he doesn't do as much as he tries to claim doing. I'm working on introducing him to the concept of assigning positive intent, and I've gotten him to acknowledge that he has trouble shifting from work mode to home mode. He can't treat me like his employee and he has to learn when to take the backseat and stop barking out orders. He's not home much, and he really DOESN'T know what's going on around here most of the time, and he shouldn't feel like he has to manage at work and at home. He has to let me take the reins at home, cause that's what I'm here for. He's working on it, I can tell, and he relates to me now more as his friend than as the terrible lady he has to live with. I'm so grateful I could cry. I've begged him on my knees to just go back to being my best friend again. We're getting there. Praise the Lord!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
what's your talent, what's your skill...
i've been feeling rather down on myself tonight.
watching the people i grew up with going around doing things with their lives, and struggling with what i have - or haven't - done. a lot of the reason why i dont excel at anything in particular is anxiety-related. the obsessive-compulsive pattern will bite u in the ass there i guess.
i dont know, i just had this moment where i was like "Shit, the only thing i really do is grow people." and then i was like "...and i'm really not even very successful at that."
and my heart broke a thousand times more.
so in order to help keep me from obsessing over the negative, i decided to make a list of things i AM good at
1. drinking a lot of vodka (or everclear) <--- i may be less skilled at this feat recently considering my lack of opportunities to, erm, practice
2. shopping
3. making lists
4. relating to others (theory of mind?)
5. forgiving
6. honesty
7. bluntness
8. analogies
9. trivia
10. dry sarcasm
11. morbid humor
12. fatalism
13. psychology (specifically, psychology of development)
14. making up recipes on the fly
15. breastfeeding (hey, i must be really good at it if my half-grown man-child is still going full throttle, right?)
maybe i'll think of more.
watching the people i grew up with going around doing things with their lives, and struggling with what i have - or haven't - done. a lot of the reason why i dont excel at anything in particular is anxiety-related. the obsessive-compulsive pattern will bite u in the ass there i guess.
i dont know, i just had this moment where i was like "Shit, the only thing i really do is grow people." and then i was like "...and i'm really not even very successful at that."
and my heart broke a thousand times more.
so in order to help keep me from obsessing over the negative, i decided to make a list of things i AM good at
1. drinking a lot of vodka (or everclear) <--- i may be less skilled at this feat recently considering my lack of opportunities to, erm, practice
2. shopping
3. making lists
4. relating to others (theory of mind?)
5. forgiving
6. honesty
7. bluntness
8. analogies
9. trivia
10. dry sarcasm
11. morbid humor
12. fatalism
13. psychology (specifically, psychology of development)
14. making up recipes on the fly
15. breastfeeding (hey, i must be really good at it if my half-grown man-child is still going full throttle, right?)
maybe i'll think of more.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
JSD
J-dawg died. was he on something? probably. he drove across several lanes, flipped his truck, took out some trees. will he be missed? sorely. He had this most amazing way with people, like he never met a stranger, but beyond that - not just were strangers more like acquaintances or friends....they were more like family. he was so WARM. his divorce left a huge hole in him, he spent years trying to fill it, and just days before his wreck he came to my brother in law crying and prayed for God to take that pain and addiction from him. my brother in law got down on his knees and prayed with him. his last status update on facebook said "Good friday to all,stand tall head up chest out spread the love" and that's exactly how he approached life - spreading the love to everyone he met. he always had a smile on his face and something warm to say. when i sat in that sanctuary today, too preoccupied with my own reflections on life and death to be paying attention to the service, i felt J-dawg's arms wrapped around my soul. not physically but perhaps metaphysically. "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body" - CS Lewis. J-dawg wrapped his bare, tan arms around my soul and said, "It'll be alright, girl. It'll be alright." He's better now. Of this i'm sure.
addiction makes me mad and then i'm pissed off at society all over again. we are so ready to cast off those who struggle with addictions as somehow less-than, but who are we?? we are not perfect. everyone has their vices. we are all people. we are all souls. addiction is a medical problem like any other. addiction does not make a person, and people are SO much more than their vices.
Lord, please be with me in the next few days. I need your guidance so much right now. and please be with my husband and help him through his grieving process.
My husband has never lost someone close to him before. On our way home he told me this story: "You know when you're little and you always want to hang out with your brothers, but they wont let you, because they're your brothers. You always want to ride their bikes but they never let you 'cause you're little. J**** always let me ride his."
my heart broke for my husband in that moment. J-dawg was like his brother. J-dawg was a constant around my mother-in-law's house, he was there even when my brothers-in-law weren't for being in jail, J-dawg would show up and just hang out with my mother-in-law. He was a part of our family. I remember the first time i met him, i was in middle school, and he showed up at my mother-in-law's house and said "Is Bruce here?" my husband said nope, he's in Austin with Sarah. J-dawg said "Is Brian here?" my husband said nope, he ain't here either. but did J-dawg leave? no....he just came on in and joined the family in whatever we were doing. which was probably a whole bunch of nothing, but that's ok. he was down with it. he really was a part of the family.
my mother-in-law has always had this great unspoken open-door policy, where any of the kids, friends, friends kids, kids friends, could show up any time and as long as they weren't starting any trouble, they were welcome, even if no one was home. On the one hand, I've always worried about unhealthy boundaries,but on the other hand, it led to a lot of really great extended-family.
We're hoping to extend our family soon.
As we venture forth over the upcoming days, weeks, and months, I pray that we'll remember to just keep praying and stay focused.
it's so late. i have no focus.
sleep now. focus later.
addiction makes me mad and then i'm pissed off at society all over again. we are so ready to cast off those who struggle with addictions as somehow less-than, but who are we?? we are not perfect. everyone has their vices. we are all people. we are all souls. addiction is a medical problem like any other. addiction does not make a person, and people are SO much more than their vices.
Lord, please be with me in the next few days. I need your guidance so much right now. and please be with my husband and help him through his grieving process.
My husband has never lost someone close to him before. On our way home he told me this story: "You know when you're little and you always want to hang out with your brothers, but they wont let you, because they're your brothers. You always want to ride their bikes but they never let you 'cause you're little. J**** always let me ride his."
my heart broke for my husband in that moment. J-dawg was like his brother. J-dawg was a constant around my mother-in-law's house, he was there even when my brothers-in-law weren't for being in jail, J-dawg would show up and just hang out with my mother-in-law. He was a part of our family. I remember the first time i met him, i was in middle school, and he showed up at my mother-in-law's house and said "Is Bruce here?" my husband said nope, he's in Austin with Sarah. J-dawg said "Is Brian here?" my husband said nope, he ain't here either. but did J-dawg leave? no....he just came on in and joined the family in whatever we were doing. which was probably a whole bunch of nothing, but that's ok. he was down with it. he really was a part of the family.
my mother-in-law has always had this great unspoken open-door policy, where any of the kids, friends, friends kids, kids friends, could show up any time and as long as they weren't starting any trouble, they were welcome, even if no one was home. On the one hand, I've always worried about unhealthy boundaries,but on the other hand, it led to a lot of really great extended-family.
We're hoping to extend our family soon.
As we venture forth over the upcoming days, weeks, and months, I pray that we'll remember to just keep praying and stay focused.
it's so late. i have no focus.
sleep now. focus later.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Available at a toy store near you!
The all new action-packed Hurricane Hollis - check out his awesome stunts including:
*Standing on his head on a gliding ottoman HANDS FREE!
*Jumping out of a moving stroller!
*Diving from high places!
*fearless handling of ferocious beasts!
*and Nursing upside down!
Hurricane Hollis is capable of manhandling people twice his size! He makes five realistic sounds, including ma, ba, da, ha, and of course his signature ear-piercing scream!
The best part about the new and improved Hurricane Hollis - you can play with him for 12 or more hours straight before he needs his battery re-charged. Get your own today!
*Standing on his head on a gliding ottoman HANDS FREE!
*Jumping out of a moving stroller!
*Diving from high places!
*fearless handling of ferocious beasts!
*and Nursing upside down!
Hurricane Hollis is capable of manhandling people twice his size! He makes five realistic sounds, including ma, ba, da, ha, and of course his signature ear-piercing scream!
The best part about the new and improved Hurricane Hollis - you can play with him for 12 or more hours straight before he needs his battery re-charged. Get your own today!
Friday, July 2, 2010
happy mad
my dog ran away
both my sewing machines are out
my coach bag has chocolate all inside it
my "friends" have been awkward around me
i can't sleep. i woke up early this morning hungry, hot, and having to pee. i came into the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal, then out of nowhere a thought comet came down and struck me in the head (in other words it dawned on me, but i can't just say what everyone else says, nooo....)that when I lost Maren, I had been on diflucan for a MONTH straight. Diflucan is contraindicated for pregnancy. So I decided to look up just exactly what the deal was with diflucan and pregnancy, and sure enough, there was the M word staring me in the face: Miscarriage.
I feel like a giant ball of emotions. I'm like...so mad, at the drug company and the midwife and myself. I'm so mad i could break something. That was my baby. I only had problems with the yeast because of being on antibiotics at the end of my pregnancy...so then i am mad at the doctors and the midwife and the hospital, and mad about my c-section, and mad about the whole situation in general.
But at the same time I'm kind of relieved.
I lost Heleigh when I was 14. I lost Angel when I was too drunk. I lost Starr when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy, and I lost Maren when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy.
That is validating. I feel like I really do have a chance. Its like a marathon, and i just jumped the first hurtle.
I keep telling david our next will be born at home. He doesn't believe me, but I told him he no longer has a say considering how our last birth went. My body, my choice.
both my sewing machines are out
my coach bag has chocolate all inside it
my "friends" have been awkward around me
i can't sleep. i woke up early this morning hungry, hot, and having to pee. i came into the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal, then out of nowhere a thought comet came down and struck me in the head (in other words it dawned on me, but i can't just say what everyone else says, nooo....)that when I lost Maren, I had been on diflucan for a MONTH straight. Diflucan is contraindicated for pregnancy. So I decided to look up just exactly what the deal was with diflucan and pregnancy, and sure enough, there was the M word staring me in the face: Miscarriage.
I feel like a giant ball of emotions. I'm like...so mad, at the drug company and the midwife and myself. I'm so mad i could break something. That was my baby. I only had problems with the yeast because of being on antibiotics at the end of my pregnancy...so then i am mad at the doctors and the midwife and the hospital, and mad about my c-section, and mad about the whole situation in general.
But at the same time I'm kind of relieved.
I lost Heleigh when I was 14. I lost Angel when I was too drunk. I lost Starr when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy, and I lost Maren when I was on a medication contraindicated to pregnancy.
That is validating. I feel like I really do have a chance. Its like a marathon, and i just jumped the first hurtle.
I keep telling david our next will be born at home. He doesn't believe me, but I told him he no longer has a say considering how our last birth went. My body, my choice.
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