Today's service

today's service was about temptation.

we sang this nifty hymn (not to be confused with "hem" as i'm sitting right next to my sewing machine hahahahaha)

hold on i had to write the words down on my bulletin. i was smitten (as ever).


#478 "Praise, My Soul, the King of Heaven"

Praise Him still the same as ever,
Slow to chide and swift to bless...
Fatherlike, He tends and spares us;
Well our feeble frame He knows;
In His hands He gently bears us,
Rescues us from all our foes.
Alleluia, Alleluia, widely set His mercy flows!

although i believe to be concise, i added the "!" at the end.

Being the "Healer" that I am (Meyers-Briggs personality type), and in my ever present mindset of being a Mother first, I was of course reading into it how it applies to GBD, or grace-based discipline. I restrained myself from dancing around the fellowship hall and praising God for bringing me into the service this morning using the one thing He knew for sure to work - the words of a child! I praised Him silently, instead.

wait wait wait, back up, you say!!

I haven't been going to church. I was fairly disgruntled by the actions of a few individuals, and to be perfectly honest, it wouldn't have influenced my decision to go or not to go so strongly if these people weren't in direct contact with the church kids on a regular basis.

But, last night one of the aforementioned kids texted me (dont know how she got my number but it doesn't matter :] ) and wanted to call me but i got ahold of her on facebook messenger instead, and she told me she is moving on tuesday. today would be her last sunday with us. so WITHOUT hesitation i told her i'd be there!

I'm so glad I went in, honestly.

I was just talking to my therapist on thursday about wanting to find a new church or just moving to canada. She asked me if i was just running away, and I admitted to that partially. My generalized anxiety disorder has me creating all sorts of illogical things to obsess over and be anxious about. But I am telling this story in totally the wrong order.

Suffice it to say I'd been avoiding coming to church. Even after hearing a PSA type of thing on the praise rock station we listen to in the car that IMO may as well have been the voice of God (just call me Joan of Arcadia - this type of thing happens to me all.the.time.) asking me when was the last time I went to church? and what sort of things could I DO for the church? At first I thought it was perhaps a nudge back in the direction of FPC, but then I decided maybe I should look into other churches. Fast forward through a few days of waffling to yesterday, when I was asked by a child, of all people, to come in for one last visit with her - God knows how to speak to me (of course, and isn't it amazing?).

So imagine my joy at reading the lyrics to the aforementioned hymn.

When the reason I was avoiding church was because of my belief in grace-based discipline causing me to butt heads with a few other members, when I was scripting to myself how I would handle such things in the future as I was driving up the road toward the church building, when I was repeating and replaying pieces of the gospel in my mind's eye, imagine my sheer joy at reading such a hymn for the day.



Today's sermon was regarding "The Biblical Characters In Me: Temptation" and I highlighted a few key notes:

"Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."

"Have you identified your God-given gifts?"
"Are you in touch with His plan for your life?"



In regards to my own personal life, it is easy for me to confuse what I want with what God wants - when I believe that God wants me to be my child's mother, first and foremost, and its a job I love, I have to take family planning into prayerful consideration - too many children too fast and I cannot take care of them in the way God wants me to because of my own human ways, it would be easy to get overwhelmed and not be able to carry out my own mission of being committed to motherhood and using gentle discipline in the name of Jesus. After Hollis was born, I longed for another child - partly because the one I had just cried all day, and I felt empty and disconnected. Once that bond was stronger, I still wanted a sibling for him, and I miscarried. And so, the time wasn't right, and I took a few months to really consider how to handle the family planning issue. Hollis was still very much a baby, nursing constantly, and nowhere near ready to share me. As he nurses less, and sleeps more soundly, I have more confidence in his ability to not only share me but to be ready for the responsibilities of being a big brother. "Its ironic that pursuing what we desire with reckless abandon frequently has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness."

My other take on this, as it pertains to my life, is that when I am tempted to "spank" and have to really try HARD to come up with something better, something Grace-based, this same idea applies - pursuing what I desire - to "teach him" - with reckless abandon - impulsive hitting - has a paradoxical effect, leaving us at the mercy of foolishness. Amen.



Have I identified my God-given gifts?

I was watching TV the other day, and I dont know where it came from, but it sort of blind-sided me that I have been a bit attention starved for the better part of my life - I cant remember a single time when my mom sat down and just enjoyed playing with me. My dad played some but for the most part, my childhood was lonely and acting out only resulted in physical pain. I soon learned to gain the attention that I craved through doing well in school, and performing arts. When we moved and doing well in school wasn't as easy nor was it as gratifying, I became severely depressed, anxious, and compulsive. My husband became my security blanket because he gave me the attention I desperately needed. I participated in performing arts (and still do to some degree when I have the chance). I decided at an early age, before being able to personally identify with or verbalize why I felt this way, that being a stay-at-home-mom is the most important job in the world, and therefore the job I want. I've always loved being around babies and kids, and that turned into a passion for human development and psychology. I shared all of this with my therapist and remarked on how amazing it was that all of these events so drastically shaped who I am - I suppose we are all an amalgamation of our experiences - but it's still impressive the way God has chosen to shape me. In a way I suppose that's my gift.

Am I in touch with His plan for my life?

I'm trying to be. I'm trying so, so hard.